si? acum?... de fapt chiar stiu ce am de facut. tot ce am de facut. si sunt multe. mi-e cam frica, de fapt bagami-as ma cam cac pe mine de frica dar o sa le fac. o sa le fac ca sa ma umplu cumva. nu mi-am dat seama de cat timp n-am mai reusit sa iubesc nimic nimic. ma durea ca dracu, dar stiam de ce... stiam ca e cumva pentru mine, ca o sa ma faca tot pe mine nebunia asta, stiam ca atunci cand te iubeam pe tine, orbeste, tampeste, ca un copil orb, olog si orfan, stiam ca daca te iubesc o sa fiu plina cu ceva, cu tine, si nu trebuia sa ma mai fut pentru asta. te iubeam si atat. pe tine. si cu tine nici macar nu mi-am tras-o niciodata. stiu ca scriu in ultimul hal acum dar sunt obosita rau si ma dor ochii prea tare, eu nu va vad, cuvintele astea cu futut si cacat, nu le vad. vad spatiile dintre ele, sunt mai usor de privit pentru ca nu sunt. si am invatat sa ma tot uit in gol, sa ma uite dumnezeu uitandu-ma, vorba aia. inainte ma uitam dupa tine. acum ma uit in oglinda. ce e chiar langa mine, da desigur ca le/ii vad, dar nu scap de meteahna asta bolnava de a muta imediat privirea chiar daca stiu, ca sa ma pot uita linistita in gol. si nu mai esti tu de data asta, sunt eu, si nu vad nimic. 

rational behaviour. part 1

i cant even begin to explain all the ways in which you, my dear boy, failed. guys like you usually dont end up on my wall, but i think you needed a lesson. you dont get to treat me that way because im so much more than you can handle. and i was good, and i played nice, i know what its like to be crushed, and i know how hard it is to get up, and i understand that sometimes even if you do get up, youre somehow still crushed. i can see that you put things in boxes all the way up just to keep you occupied, and i can see that you actually feel lost lonely and frustrated but you keep building a wall around your neck and keep yourself either busy or stoned so that you dont feel the choke. i know that and i see it because i have been there. and also because i refuse to believe that people are just senseless and stupid and simply raised badly and dont know jack about human interaction. i refuse that, so i give you the benefit of the doubt. either way, i wont let you know i gave it to you, you wouldnt know what to do with it. but i dont love you and cant seem to feel the right things for a piece of stone. and i cant let a piece of stone use me unless i may somehow be helping the piece of stone, but you dont want and cant be helped as far as im concerned. so im leaving. but we can really still be friends and occasionally fuck if necessary. only that... i needed to tell you all this because its really useless in a funny way to keep pretending and let you feel obliged in any way. dont, really, im fine, just have the balls to admit what you feel or dont feel. it takes a bit of a man to be able to do so.  xo xo darling, baby, hunny, sweetie and all the other names i couldnt get myself to feel like calling you.